Last week I received an email from my youngest sister about the perils of raising a teenage boy. I think she is insightful, and so far she has held onto her sense of humor. I asked her if I could post it for you to read.
Dear Sisters,
I am aware that being the youngest came with certain perks. One is
that I could learn from your lives, without having to actually do things
myself.... Which brings me to the purpose for this letter.
Between you, you have successfully raised 6 boys. They are
wonderful young men that I am proud to call my nephews. You have beyond
succeeded in raising them. I believe it was Connie who said, "successful parenting is when your children can pay for their own
therapy". I am now wondering who will pay for mine.
My dear baby boy has disappeared. He does occasionally re-appear,
but I do wonder if he is suddenly schizophrenic. We have days of
wonderful smiles and life is good, and then days where I am the enemy
and I was wrong for getting out of bed in the morning.
Lately things
have been good. As I write, the music coming from his room is so loud
that it rattles the air vents. Thankfully, it is a good song and he is
playing his guitar, with it. This is how I justify both the loud music
and the guitar lessons. The smell coming from his room is another
story.
Today I went to Costco and loaded up on food. All of which I expect
to either be in his room or in his stomach before the end of the week. Literally he needs to eat every 2-3 hours or we have blood sugar
crashes that bring us right back to the part where I should stay in bed,
unless I'd like to get up to feed him or take him somewhere.
Please don't get me wrong. I love him dearly. I am proud of him. He
gets good grades, tells us where he is and adores his dad, (Who unlike
our Dad is not one to talk about things that are not tangible. If it
is a feeling, emotion of any sort, or a plan to be made, it is my
department.) He doesn't lie to us (about important things)... I don't
think. All of these things are good, and normal. I am hoping you can
give me some advice on raising boys. Since I am the youngest of 4
girls, I think I am out of my element with a teenage boy.
Watching You Tube videos and texting are a part of his life that
he believes is a part of 'doing homework'. Maybe it is the
homeschooler in me, but I just don't see how his grades stay high when
he studies like that. I am finding that he has very nice friends. I
like them as much as one likes 13 and 14 year old boys. He is outside
a lot, riding his bike.... without a seat... or a helmet...usually on
one wheel. He doesn't believe shoe laces are to be tied, they are a
fashion statement. He does have a hilarious sense of humor and often
has us all rolling. He goes to youth group, which can be good or bad.
After all, they are all 13 year olds. I trust the leaders and like
them, as does he.
He loves a schedule and does well if we make sure he knows what is
happening in his future. This is only fair, I understand. This need
to schedule, however has translated lately into him telling me where I
will be at what time and with what amount of money to give him. Is this
a leadership skill? Did I need to be led? Should I clean his room for
him? Do I REALLY want to know what is in there?
I do believe this will pass, and we will be fine. I also believe we
are blessed and he will not be as difficult as many teens. Except with
speed and engines he generally has good judgement. I'm learning to
give him more space and less lecture. I am working to treat him with
adult respect instead of the 'mom voice'. I am always here for him to
talk, but won't force him to. Yet... he is 13, not 18 and not at all
as wise as he thinks he is.
SO, I am hoping for the practical kind of advice, (feed him peanut
butter and oatmeal 10 times a day) or the encouraging kind of advice
(.... I got nothin' that is why I am writing you) rather than the old
lady helping advice ( oh dear, they grow up so fast, enjoy these days...
Bleck )
I love you and cherish your advice and the encouragement in knowing
you are all still sane, and have relationships with your grown boys.
Maybe you have ways to keep him from eating all the ice cream as
well... Thank you!
Love,
Nae
I think my sister is doing great in the tricky job of parenting a teenage boy. This letter brought back memories. Thinking back, the memories fill my
heart with warmth. I think it is the same syndrome that causes mothers
to relate horror stories of labor and delivery to pregnant women.
Somehow, looking back at it, the memories make you feel good even though
at the time the pain made you want to die.
When my kids were newborns and couldn't do anything but eat and
sleep and poop, I knew all about how to parent well. I freely dispensed
advice. Over the years, I broke all of my own rules and today I know
much, much less about what works in parenting than I did before I tried
it for myself. Since I was blessed by easy kids to raise, I still have a
couple of little pieces of advice left to give. If I work up the courage to post that advice I will have to do it very soon because because I have two step-kids approaching teen years and by the time
they reach their 18th birthdays my last few little things I think I know
about parenting will have evaporated too.
If you, dear reader, still have advice to give or would like to commiserate feel free to comment!
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