A Conversation Between Sisters About Parenting: The Care and Feeding of Teenage Boys part II

I have 3 sisters.

Recently the four of us had a conversation over email about parenting teenage boys.  I shared the note that started this conversation with you last week (See The Care and Feeding of Teenage Boys Part 1).  Over the next several blog posts I plan to show you the rest of the conversation.

Disclaimer:  These notes were written to be read only by my sisters and myself.  If we sound advice-y, it is because we are big sisters talking to a little sister, and we can't help it. Besides, she asked for it. In contrast to the way we might sound, we are all mature enough to know that we don't really know anything anymore.

Dear Nae,

I had it explained to me once that children are like dogs when they are young, they run to you with bundles of joy when you enter a room, love to spend time with you and go into clouds of joy when you treat them with something as simple as an ice cream cone.  Then, around age 12 or 13 they turn to be more like cats, aloof, they will come if you put out food, and it takes a small loan to buy a gift that really thrills them.  However, if you can make it through the "cat years"  they come back as loyal, grown children who respect and appreciate their parents.

The teenage years are hard.  We had many a "discussion", many worried prayers going up for those years.  Now, our sons are our friends.

You have done an excellent job.  Your son has a good foundation.  As he figures life out, he will have his ups and downs, but the superb parenting you have given will pay off.

During the teen years, a boy is trying to become a man.  He naturally looks to his Dad as to how to do that.  Both our boys pushed away from me and sought male leadership.  A friend of mine told me that they had to push their Mom away for a time to establish their own independence.  Know in your heart that you will always have (your son's) love, he is just trying to figure life out and it isn't easy.

I so respect you as a Mother.  You do a really awesome job!

Hang in there, little sis!  Maybe in years to come you can buy an RV and run away, visit when you want to! All kidding aside.  I will be praying for you.  It can be pretty tough on a Mom's heart for a while. 

I love you.

The Care and Feeding of Teenage Boys

Last week I received an email from my youngest sister about the perils of raising a teenage boy.  I think she is insightful, and so far she has held onto her sense of humor.  I asked her if I could post it for you to read.

Dear Sisters,

I am aware that being the youngest came with certain perks. One is that I could learn from your lives, without having to actually do things myself.... Which brings me to the purpose for this letter.

Between you, you have successfully raised 6 boys.  They are wonderful young men that I am proud to call my nephews.  You have beyond succeeded in raising them.   I believe it was Connie who said, "successful parenting is when your children can pay for their own therapy".  I am now wondering who will pay for mine.

My dear baby boy has disappeared.  He does occasionally re-appear, but I do wonder if he is suddenly schizophrenic.  We have days of wonderful smiles and life is good, and then days where I am the enemy and I was wrong for getting out of bed in the morning.  

Lately things have been good. As I write, the music coming from his room is so loud that it rattles the air vents. Thankfully, it is a good song and he is playing his guitar, with it. This is how I justify both the loud music and the guitar lessons. The smell coming from his room is another story.

Today I went to Costco and loaded up on food. All of which I expect to either be in his room or in his stomach before the end of the week. Literally he needs to eat every 2-3 hours or we have blood sugar crashes that bring us right back to the part where I should stay in bed, unless I'd like to get up to feed him or take him somewhere. 

Please don't get me wrong. I love him dearly. I am proud of him. He gets good grades, tells us where he is and adores his dad, (Who unlike our Dad is not one to talk about things that are not tangible.  If it is a feeling, emotion of any sort, or a plan to be made, it is my department.) He doesn't lie to us (about important things)... I don't think.  All of these things are good, and normal.  I am hoping you can give me some advice on raising boys.  Since I am the youngest of 4 girls, I think I am out of my element with a teenage boy. 

Watching You Tube videos and texting are a part of his life that he believes is a part of  'doing homework'.    Maybe it is the homeschooler in me, but I just don't see how his grades stay high when he studies like that.   I am finding that he has very nice friends. I like them as much as one likes 13 and 14 year old boys. He is outside a lot, riding his bike.... without a seat... or a helmet...usually on one wheel. He doesn't believe shoe laces are to be tied, they are a fashion statement. He does have a hilarious sense of humor and often has us all rolling.  He goes to youth group, which can be good or bad. After all, they are all 13 year olds. I trust the leaders and like them, as does he. 

He loves a schedule and does well if we make sure he knows what is happening in his future. This is only fair, I understand. This need to schedule, however has translated lately into him telling me where I will be at what time and with what amount of money to give him. Is this a leadership skill?  Did I need to be led?  Should I clean his room for him? Do I REALLY want to know what is in there?

I do believe this will pass, and we will be fine. I also believe we are blessed and he will not be as difficult as many teens. Except with speed and engines he generally has good judgement. I'm learning to give him more space and less lecture. I am working to treat him with adult respect instead of the 'mom voice'.  I am always here for him to talk, but won't force him to.  Yet... he is 13, not 18 and not at all  as wise as he thinks he is. 

SO, I am hoping for the practical kind of advice, (feed him peanut butter and oatmeal 10 times a day)  or the encouraging kind of advice (.... I got nothin' that is why I am writing you) rather than the old lady helping advice ( oh dear, they grow up so fast, enjoy these days... Bleck )

I love you and cherish your advice and the encouragement in knowing you are all still sane, and have relationships with your grown boys.    Maybe you have ways to keep him from eating all the ice cream as well... Thank you!  

Love,

Nae

I think my sister is doing great in the tricky job of parenting a teenage boy. This letter brought back memories.  Thinking back, the memories fill my heart with warmth.  I think it is the same syndrome that causes mothers to relate horror stories of labor and delivery to pregnant women.  Somehow, looking back at it, the memories make you feel good even though at the time the pain made you want to die.

When my kids were newborns and couldn't do anything but eat and sleep and poop,  I knew all about how to parent well. I freely dispensed advice. Over the years, I broke all of my own rules and today I know much, much less about what works in parenting than I did before I tried it for myself. Since I was blessed by easy kids to raise, I still have a couple of little pieces of advice left to give.  If I work up the courage to post that advice I will have to do it very soon because because I have two step-kids approaching teen years and by the time they reach their 18th birthdays my last few little things I think I know about parenting will have evaporated too. 

If you, dear reader, still have advice to give or would like to commiserate feel free to comment!